Hes jokes

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

Why does Batman’s mask only cover half of his face?

So the police can see that he’s white.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."

Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.