Hes jokes

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

What does a priest hold on to when having sex?

He holds on to the schoolbag.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.