Hes jokes

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone?

Because he's dead.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.

A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."

A programmer and his wife.

She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"

He replies, "They had eggs."

Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

If a white cop had a black dick, would he beat it to death?

I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."