Hes jokes

An officer confronts two congressmen.

He informs them, \"I’m looking for a couple of child molesters.\"

The two look at each other, turn to the officer and exclaim, \"Sure! We’ll do it!\"

All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...

Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.

Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.

And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.

There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...

There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.

So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.

Why did the orphan go to church?

It was because he was looking for someone to call "Father."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Why can't Stephen Hawking win any arguments?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

President Chumples memorialised Charlie Kirk by saying, "He had a real shot at being president."

That's not a joke. The fat fuck actually said that after pan face got shot.

What would Hitler do if he was in Minecraft?

Mien.

Why did Adolf Hitler wish he had two nuts?

Because he only had one.

When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

Why is ten afraid? Because he’s in between nine and eleven.

What did Osama get on his test when he was a kid? A 9/11.

What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

Why does Mini P.E.K.K.A. love pancakes? Because he is busy watching explicit content involving the Archers and Firecracker.

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"

A black n***a crashes a neighborhood barbecue, bragging about his 'hood credentials' while hogging all the ribs and collard greens. The host calls him out, 'Yo, pay up or get out. Ain't no freebies here.' He laughs it off, 'Man, I run this block!' But the host's burly brother, who's been grilling the whole time, snarls, 'Wrong, fool. Time to settle the score.' He pins him against the picnic table, wraps a chain leash around his neck from the dog run, edges him with a vibrating basting brush slathered in hot sauce, and then plows his ass deep and hard, grunting, 'Now you're the main course, spicier than the jerk chicken!'