Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying "b positive b positive" but its hard to be positive with him gone
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree
To bad he left him hanging
In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.
Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I ́m still choosing." She looked horrified.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn't pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work...
He’s a suicide bomber.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his Dick where it don't belong!
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 911. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?
He kept cutting in line.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
