Hes jokes

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.

Double!

Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!

Triple!

Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD incoming.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?

"This is a stand-up."

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.

I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.

Why does Donald Trump love little boys? Because his hands look massive when he’s holding their tiny little prepubescent cocks.

I saw a kid on the side of the road covered in rags and asked if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

Q) What do you call Iron Man when he can't swim?

A) Robert Drowney Jr.

A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"

A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"

The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."

The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"