Herring jokes

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

How do you make a dishwasher work again?

Smack her ass and say "get back to work!"

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

Yo momma's so fat, her shirt size has more X's than Taylor Swift.

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?

She started her period.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

Jantje goes on a walk with his grandmother. Jantje sees 1 dollar on the street and picks it up.

The grandmother says: "Hey, Jantje! No picking up things from the floor! They are ugly and bad!"

Then they keep walking. The grandmother slips and asks Jantje to help her stand up. Jantje answers: "No! Everything on the ground is ugly and bad."

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?

She said a monster attacked her.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Yo mama so ugly a rapist wouldn't even touch her with a barge pole.