Herring jokes

Why was the turtle looking at her phone?

She wanted to take a shellfie.

Yo mama's so big, her belt size is "equator."

Yo mama is so ugly that the Grinch fell out when he saw her!

I had a great day today because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table, and the teacher screamed, "Allison, how would you like it if I banged you on the table?"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

Yo mama so fat, I have to take a train, 2 buses, and 3 airplanes to get on her good side.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.

Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

Ur mum so fat that when she walked into a bar, they said, "Sorry, we don't sell food here."

Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.