Her jokes
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
yo mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale it told her "I wanted your weight not your phone number."
What should you do if the dishwasher breaks?
Kick her.
I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
I told the emo girl to stop playing fruit ninja on her wrists.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
Your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
If you eat her out on her period, does that make you Cunt Dracula?
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
While fucking, my sister said, "Brother, you are so naughty! You fucked our elder aunt every day in the absence of my uncle and cousins and made her pregnant!" Little did she know, I fucked our mother every day in the absence of her, my father, and my elder brother and made my mom pregnant as well!
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*