Help jokes

Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.

What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?

Call 911.

How do you help a starving cannibal?

You give him a hand!

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"

Gwen-Kind-Positive-Lends a Helping Hand- Stops Bullies- Does Most Helpful Work.

Addison Banks- Positive Voicing-Stops Hurtful Words.

ALYA-Powerful in Thought- Helps- But Sadly Is Gone.

Prince-Always Backed Up Gwen- But Sadly Is Gone Too.

Watersharky-Helps When Needed-Backs Up Anyone- Curses When Needed- Helps People Through Depression.

These Are The Legends, There Are More Out There You Could Be One Too Just Lend a Helping Hand.

I am going to scream, this is a cry for help.

What do you call an orphanage that's not an orphanage?

A homeless shelter.

I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

An old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her off the edge without knowing it was her cash she wanted to check, so I died to help her!

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

How do I get out of the toilet seat? Help me, please. I'm very stuck!

Why do midgets work at Tesco?

Because every little helps.

Are you getting tired of life? Yes? Then call 180 go fuck yourself.

It's not our problem.com That's 180 go fuck yourself it's not our problem.com

I once masturbated in the bathroom.

I was looking for something, for a little help.

Looked in the wardrobe and found something perfect.

I'LL NEVER SEE A TOOTHBRUSH THE SAME WAY AGAIN!

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.