Heard jokes
Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock-knock joke? I heard he got the Nobel Prize.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.
What's the difference between all the jokes on this page? Nothing, they're all knockoffs of old jokes you've already heard that aren't funny. Penis!
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
Bambi was calmly eating grass. All of a sudden, a red dot pointed near his heart caught his attention. He looked around anxiously, and he saw a man in camouflage. He whispered, "Time to join mother, Bambi!" Bambi knew what this meant. He ran. He heard a gunshot, followed by a wave of extreme pain. Bambi fell to the ground. He glanced at his leg, which was no longer attached to his body. The man in camouflage came up to him and stabbed him in the heart. Everything went black...
I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.
It just doesn’t make any cents!
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy, ‘Darling, how does my dick taste?’”
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Déjà Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Yo mama so stupid that, when she heard about cookies on the internet, she ate her computer.
So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.
Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.
Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?
Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.
Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.
Q: Why did frosty pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
I heard he's doing a revival tour next month. It's called "Stephen Hawking Unplugged."
I heard Microsoft got charged, why?
They couldn’t reboot Stephen Hawking.
Why does Stephen Hawking have the voice of an angel?
Because no one has ever heard an angel talk.
Have you ever heard of the eye tear?
Me either.
Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging. Think the opening line goes something like, “They see me rolling, they hating.”
Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?
It's an ARMadillo.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.