"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"
"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
I will always rember my dads last words.. Oh wait i've never heard them
One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house. I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games." Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.
Little Jimmy was in the shower singing "Dame Tu Cosita," and her mom heard it and went to the shower, and Jimmy's mom saw Jimmy wearing a bathing suit in the shower, and Jimmy yells "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP!"
During the election campaign of 2012 we heard about Obama but we fought they said Osama. So I told my friend grab his gun and lets have some fun. So during one of Obama's campaign we both shot him to death, which lasted a while. Then my friend said "lets go get piz drunk at Mavericks bar". Then on TV they talked about Obama death and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
Have you heard of the invention of the shovel? It's groundbreaking!
Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"? No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
person 1- I heard oxygen and magnesium went on a date. person 2- OMg
Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross. On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter".
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter".
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter".
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for, must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus, and says "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important"?
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here".
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
Have you heard of the restaurant karma There is no menu because you only get what you deserve
Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh I guess I better not spread it.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock-knock joke - I heard he got the Nobel prize.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.
What's the difference between all the jokes on this page? Nothing, they're all knockoffs of old jokes you've already heard that aren't funny. Pen!s
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
