Heard jokes

Have you heard of bees? They're bee-utiful!

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.

A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

I heard they're making a film about Jimmy Savile, it's a very touchy subject.

I heard the film about is so boring it puts you to sleep.

I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."

Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

Have you heard about the smart traveler? He's clearly going places.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.

He'll probably leave her alone now.

He doesn't eat vegetables.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

I entered Kian's house. At the top of the stair, I was greeted by my greatest fantasy, JOHN. He said in a manly tone, "Hello there." I walked slowly up the stairs and greeted him back. As I walked past his room, I felt uneasy. I walked into Kian's room to find no one. I turned around and gasped. John is standing there, a bulge had appeared and poked me as he got nearer. He pushed me onto Kian's bed. The bed was that bad it broke as I fell onto it. John says, "A broken bed is nothing to worry about." I look up at him in disbelief, he's more masculine than I thought. He thrust himself onto me, his crotch area sticky to the touch. He then ripped a fart as he bent over, at this point I knew it was too late John, the fart he ripped (sticky to the touch) had me so in shock I wasn't ready for what was next, he picked and jumped on my head ripping the most monstrous, enormous, deadly, sticky to the touch fart I'd ever seen, it knocked me out. I awoke to find I was in the WALLS. I looked out to find I was in the glory hole, my worst nightmare had become reality, I fully understood my purpose in life was to the holy glory hole, I heard "GRANDAD CAN I GET SOME V-BUCK" I then knew I was in for some Kian treats.

The end

I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.

The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."

Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"

I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"

Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"

John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.

By Lewis

Boy: Have you heard of the cool kid who just told us he had autism?

Teacher: What?

Boy: Well... never mind, he's well supported.

Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?

Well, I just can't seem to put it down.

"Déjà moo": The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

Have you ever eaten a clock before? I heard it’s very time consuming.

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

Guy 2 whispering: Oh, I got tired of acting gay.

Guy 1: I heard you. Why are you acting gay?

Guy 2: To attract gays and then give them advice.

Guy 1: So what's your advice to me?

Guy 2: That I just know you're gay.

LOL xD