I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
I made someone a PB and J sandwich... they died.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun...
Why are you so tired if you can’t see? Because you are blind.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun....
Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"
Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"
Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)
Roses are black, violets are black.
I’m colorblind.
Why do the Greeks and Romans like food? Because food is good for you.
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
TDS? More like STDs.
Why did the bone go on a blind date? He was bonely.
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.
They took him to PC World for repairs.
What is an obese lady's blood type?
Nutella.
