Hand jokes
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.
The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"
My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!
If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."
Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.
Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.
In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."
Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...
Hands down, syndromes are bad.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)
Little Johnny says: “Mom, you know that lovely vase in the dining room that’s been handed down from generation to generation?”
Mom replies: “Yes. What about it?”
He says: “Well, the last generation just dropped it.”
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.
Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶
What kind of tree can you High-Five?
A palm tree.
I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."
Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"
On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.
Why were the baker's hands brown?
Because he was kneading a poop.
Daddy, good morning, please, I want too, but Davido's second-hand towel is 2.5 million.
Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.
Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!
Where does Captain Hook buy his hook?
At a second-hand store.