Hand jokes

Daddy, good morning, please, I want too, but Davido's second-hand towel is 2.5 million.

Little Johnny says: “Mom, you know that lovely vase in the dining room that’s been handed down from generation to generation?”

Mom replies: “Yes. What about it?”

He says: “Well, the last generation just dropped it.”

Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.

Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)

White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!

What kind of tree can you High-Five?

A palm tree.

Why were the baker's hands brown?

Because he was kneading a poop.

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"

On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.

Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.

Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!

Where does Captain Hook buy his hook?

At a second-hand store.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

How did Helen Keller dance? Very Bad.

How did Helen Keller draw? With her hand.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.

It got too out of hand and I got spanked.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Your mama is so stupid.

Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."