Hand jokes
What did the beat say to the rapper?
"You're off rhythm, but I'll give you a hand!"
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
Daddy, good morning, please, I want too, but Davido's second-hand towel is 2.5 million.
Little Johnny says: “Mom, you know that lovely vase in the dining room that’s been handed down from generation to generation?”
Mom replies: “Yes. What about it?”
He says: “Well, the last generation just dropped it.”
Memes
Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.
Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)
White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!
What kind of tree can you High-Five?
A palm tree.
Why were the baker's hands brown?
Because he was kneading a poop.
I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."
Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"
On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.
Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.
Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!
Where does Captain Hook buy his hook?
At a second-hand store.
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
How did Helen Keller dance? Very Bad.
How did Helen Keller draw? With her hand.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.