Hand Jokes

What kind of tree fits into your hand? A palm tree.

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

How many fingers am I holding? I'm not holding any fingers.

The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you. Only if you knew how much I liked you. But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were Heather. Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder. But how could I hate her, she's such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than the blue sky. She's got you mesmerized while I die. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. I wish I were Heather. Oh, I wish I were Heather. Oh, oh, wish I were Heather. Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester, But you like her better. Wish I were-

If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."

Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.

Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

Hands down, syndromes are bad.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

Daddy, good morning, please, I want too, but Davido's second-hand towel is 2.5 million.

You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)

What kind of tree can you High-Five?

A palm tree.

I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."

Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"

On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.

White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!