Hand jokes

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

WHO'S THERE?

*Starts putting up hand signs.*

What did Stephen Hawking say when he rode a bike?

"Hey look...no hands...or legs!"

Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!

The amputee: -_-

What do you say when a handicapped man forgets something? "He knew it like the back of his hand."

I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!

So an ace gets handed a piece of paper and it says, "Do you like me or no?" and the ace says, "I'm not registered to vote!" Hahahahahahahahjajqh.

The bright side of this pandemic is now both my hands look equally chapped and raw.

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

How did Helen Keller dance? Very Bad.

How did Helen Keller draw? With her hand.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

One time, I worked at 3 jobs at the same time and my boss said it was illegal.

It got too out of hand and I got spanked.

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

How can you make a orphans hand bleed?

Real them to clap until there parent come home.

Why can't orphans cross roads?

They don't have a parent to hold hands with.

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

Water bottles, strong, Standing tall, like sturdy men, Quenching every thirst.

Clear and transparent, Reflecting strength and resolve, Resilient and pure.

In hand, they offer Refreshing relief, like hugs, Soothing every soul.

Water bottles, like men, Nourish and hydrate our lives, Simple yet vital.

Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning, just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him, Rachel said, "Watch two martial arts movies, eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar."

Jim replied with a shocked look, "That's what I do after Mr. Tugman shakes my hand too long."