Hand jokes
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
What kind of tree can you High-Five?
A palm tree.
You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)
Why were the baker's hands brown?
Because he was kneading a poop.
On one hand he was fantastic and the other a spastic. You could say he was a fantastic spastic.
I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."
Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"
Daddy, good morning, please, I want too, but Davido's second-hand towel is 2.5 million.
Where does Captain Hook buy his hook?
At a second-hand store.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?
What is 6-inch long, in every men's pants or hands, and girls want?
- A smartphone, freak.
I went to help an amputated girl, but she didn't have a hand for me to grab.
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
How did Helen Keller dance? Very Bad.
How did Helen Keller draw? With her hand.
What’s a 5 letter word that starts with a ‘P’ that girls love to get their hands on? 😏
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Your mama is so stupid.
Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."