HA jokes

What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

What is worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies.

What's worse than that? The one at the bottom is still alive.

What is worse still? It has to eat its way out.

What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"

"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"

What is the richest planet?

Saturn 🪐- It has many rings.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.

One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."

Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.

What's black, has four wheels, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!

Your move, Ron DeSantis.