What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
HA Jokes
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why can't the USA and England play chess?
USA has no towers and England has no queen.
What has 50 legs but can't walk?
25 disabled kids.
What type of cookie has an orphan never had? Homemade cookies.
People claim that Trump has Russian ties.
FAKE NEWS!
All of Trump's ties are made in China.
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess.
His family is nuts.
His neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And his owner beats him.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?
It has better reflexes than the twin towers.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
My friend has a dry sense of humor.
Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool?
Neither did she.
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
Little Johnny's mom is taking a shower. Little Johnny walks in and asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Mommy says, "That is my keyhole." The next day, Little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and Little Johnny asks, "What is that in between your legs?" Daddy says, "That is my key." The next day Little Johnny says to his dad, "Looks like the neighbor has the key to Mommy's keyhole too."