Your forehead's so big that it has its own gravitational pull.
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.
Chuck Norris has been to Mars... that's why there are no signs of life there.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?
An orphan has all their teeth intact.
What has three balls and flies through space?
E.T. the extra testicle.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
Condoms? HA! Those are for pussies!
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Error code 404. "Will to live" not found.
Smileandtalk.exe has stopped working.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.
But she has to. She's his mom.
I respect cancer more than I respect depression.
At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What's the difference between a knife and my life?
A knife has a point.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
