Government jokes
Where did the king put his armies?
In his sleevies.
Who are voting for this election? I'm voting for Tricity, so vote for Tricity. Electricity!
When cops say you have the right to remain silent,
You're just happy you have the right to do something.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
Being unemployed is like watching our president fall over himself on the stairs.
There’s no hope.
If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With Caesar!
Long live the quee—Oh wait...
What is the difference between a Libertarian and a dumb polack?
Not much difference.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
How do you anger a Libertarian?
Don't tell him the truth.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
A woman's age is harder to get than the President's phone number.
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
A kid asks Trump:
Kid: "Where are the confidential files?"
Trump: "There they are, bud!"