I asked, "Where are your parents?" and oh god, I love working at an orphanage.
I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I asked, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working at an orphanage :)
[god creating alligators]
God: See that log?
Angel: Yes...?
God: Now fill it with teeth.
Angel: Say again?
God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!
A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working in an orphanage.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
God's racist. He separated light from dark.
One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
God: ok, what if I made an evil land octopus that could walk on walls?
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?
“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”
Why did God build a stairway to heaven?
So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.
