God's Will jokes

I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I asked, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage :)

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

[god creating alligators]

God: See that log?

Angel: Yes...?

God: Now fill it with teeth.

Angel: Say again?

God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working in an orphanage.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

God's racist. He separated light from dark.

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

God: You're gonna have 2 parents.

Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why did God build a stairway to heaven?

So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

Why do nuns not wear bras?

God supports everything.

What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"

God, I love telling children their parents love them, but only on April Fools'. They're orphans, after all.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”