God Jokes

God, you're more toxic than white phosphorus.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

What did God say when he created the first black person?

"Behold, this specimen of divine integrity!"

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

What is God’s favorite candy?

Jesus Pieces.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

God, I love telling children their parents love them, but only on April Fools'. They're orphans, after all.

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down.

Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.

And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.

I think democracy is a scam. I love men and I love you. I love men and I love you. I love my dog. He won't sleep inside and I shitted my pants. I peed my pants. I smell bad. I took a shower and my dog was like, "Oh my god." I was like, "Oh." I was like, "Oh my god," and then I was like, "I shitted again" and he was like, "Bark bark," cause he's a dog. Thanks for listening.

Why did Stephen Hawking not believe in God?

Computers don’t really have a specific religion.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

God said, “Let there be light,” so it beamed off your forehead, and so I turned into Stevie Wonder and called it night.

What did God say to the good shepherd?

Nothing.

POV: Orphans rule the world.

God said, "I'm your dad," then kills himself.

The orphan: Waaaaaa!