I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama, can I give my spare money to him? 🤗 And my mum says yes, so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE, while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS. We go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs.
Me- what I think fck what I do ðŸ˜.
Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.
Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
I'm going to piss on the floor.
Read if gay.
Aha!
So, there were kids in the bus, and half of them were white, and the other half was black.
All the kids wanted to sit at the back, so the bus driver said to all the kids, "Stop fighting. From now on, everyone is now green." So, the bus driver said to all the kids, "Dark green go to the front, and light green at the back."
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the church.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
The pilot goes "We're going down!"
The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"
Have any of you guys heard the classic airplane jokes? Here's a good example...
A farmer, a doctor, and a terrorist are on a plane. An engine fails, and they are going to crash, so the pilot asks everyone to throw out some items. The farmer threw out his apple harvest, the doctor threw out medical supplies, and the terrorist, (not needing a bomb apparently) threw out his briefcase of bombs. They still crashed, and they started walking to the nearest town. They passed a boy who was running. "Why are you running?"
"My dad got hit by a shiny red object and now he's bleeding!"
They three of them decide it's best to keep quiet, and continue. They then passed a crying girl, who said that her brother had been killed by a scalpel from heaven. They said nothing and continued. Finally, they see a boy laughing so much he is in tears. They ask him, "What's so funny?"
"Grandma farted and the house blew up!"
Why did Bob go to the store? To bob for apples.
Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.
Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!
What did one cheese say to the other cheese?
"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!
A hot woman called "Jessie" was showering when the phone rang.
Jessie was upset because the phone wouldn't stop ringing, and she goes out naked from the bathroom to answer the phone in the hall.
Jessie on the phone: 《Hello? 》
The one on the phone: 《Oh hi, I'm Jeff, I just wanted to tell you don't go out from your bathroom naked next time because my brother is behind you right now trying to rape you.》
Jessie: 《Stop it my sister! This is the 10th time you do this cringe joke! It gets boring!》
But sadly it wasn't a joke, and she cried a lot that night and learned how not to go out naked from the bathroom again.
One day my sister was making hotdogs. My sister asked me if I wanted some. I said no. Then my sister asked my friend, and he always said no.
Then my sister said I have to eat it plain with no flavor. We have no ketchup, mustard, or onions. My friend said I got something to give it flavor. My sister said, "Okay."
My sister left the kitchen to get something. I asked my friend what are you going to do. Then he took the hotdog bread, opened it, and ran his penis all around it, and put some white cream that came out of his penis. I put the hotdogs on the bread. Then my sister came back and put hotdogs on the hotdog bread. I told my sister the hotdogs are ready. She ate them. I asked how were the hotdogs. My sister said, "I don’t know what flavor is this, but it is very tasty."
Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.
The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"
"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."
Whoever is an orphan and wants these to go, or if you just want them to go away, comment down below, or if you can't comment, give it a thumbs up!
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
Why don't wheelchairs have pedals, so when their arms get tired, they can keep going with their feet?
Where do terrorists go for a drink?
At the Allahu-ak Bar.
