When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
When your grades get mailed to your house when you expect to get them in school.
When you get home, your mom is there with the belt, going 1k miles per hour.
What did the Titanic say while sinking?
"It's going down."
Q: What does Pakistan love to do with India when they go to war?
A: Surrender their 93,000 soldiers.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."
Bob, why are you kicking the kids?
What, it's not like they have a home to go to.
want to know what i do in my freetime
punch an orphan cuz what are they going to do tell their mom
Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
Why did the cats go in the litterbox?? To take a poop!
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?
To get the ice cream for the grandma.
Why don't humans eat raw meat? Because they use technology to cry about raw meat is good. Go and leave, bro, I'm going to eat sushi.
I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.
Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
Why did your father go away?
'Cause he needs da milk.
