Gift

Gift jokes

Sugar

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.

Breath

Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.

Orphan

What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)

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  • Orphan

    I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

    Wrist

    Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

    Santa

    So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

    Trampoline

    I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

    EpiPen

    I have an EpiPen.

    My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

    It seemed really important to him that I have it.

    Rizz

    Rizz,

    Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

    Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

    No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

    You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

    Train

    Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

    After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

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  • Scale

    My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

    So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

    Dad

    A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

    His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

    The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

    His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."