My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)
I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Rizz,
Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.
Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.
You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only cums once a year.
I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.
Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"
After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
