Gift jokes
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.
As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
Memes
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
I gave a deaf kid AirPods.
Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."
The kid: But it has no home button.
Me: Exactly. 💀
What happens if you play with Santa’s ball? You get a white Christmas.
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
How did the toilet react when it received a gift?
That was so pot full (thoughtful)!
I’m still wearing the smile you gave me last week :)
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
What do orphans get for Christmas?
Lonely.
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favorite teacher.
One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas.
The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas?"
Johnny replied, "Sorry, miss, my rabbit died."