Gift jokes
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."
He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.
Silence...
And then at last she spoke...
"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
I gave a deaf kid AirPods.
What happens if you play with Santa’s ball? You get a white Christmas.
How did the toilet react when it received a gift?
That was so pot full (thoughtful)!
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."
The kid: But it has no home button.
Me: Exactly. 💀
I’m still wearing the smile you gave me last week :)
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.
What do orphans get for Christmas?
Lonely.