Gift jokes
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
Memes
Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.
As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."
The kid: But it has no home button.
Me: Exactly. 💀
What happens if you play with Santa’s ball? You get a white Christmas.
I gave a deaf kid AirPods.
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
I’m still wearing the smile you gave me last week :)
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
How did the toilet react when it received a gift?
That was so pot full (thoughtful)!
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
What do orphans get for Christmas?
Lonely.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.