Gift jokes
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.
Silence...
And then at last she spoke...
"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
What happens if you play with Santa’s ball? You get a white Christmas.
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."
The kid: But it has no home button.
Me: Exactly. 💀
I gave a deaf kid AirPods.
I’m still wearing the smile you gave me last week :)
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
How did the toilet react when it received a gift?
That was so pot full (thoughtful)!
What do orphans get for Christmas?
Lonely.
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.