Gift jokes
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
What does an orphan get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."
I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.
My mom got a clown for my birthday, but it ended up being my sister. 🤡
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."
The kid: But it has no home button.
Me: Exactly. 💀
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
What did Santa Claus bring Michael Jackson for Christmas? His elves! 😂😂😂
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
What kind of shirts does Sally's parents get her?
Long sleeves.
Your mom is so fat, when she asked, "What gift will I get?" Abuela from Encanto said, "Definitely Taco Bell!" 🌮🔔
I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.
What did the blind kid get for his birthday?
I don't know, he still didn't look.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"