Gift jokes
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?
He didn't give me any.
I was made by the Devil.
Robin asks Batman what he is getting his parents for Christmas. Batman gets mad, slaps Robin, and runs off crying.
Now you know why Batman Beyond was born when Bruce died. cause of death: suicide
What did Sally get for her 18th birthday? A brick.
Why did she get a brick? She hit 18.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,
"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."
What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"