Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What did the blind kid get for Christmas? He hasn’t seen it yet...
What did the kids with no arms get? He doesn’t know, he’s still trying to figure out how to open it. :))))
What did the blind kid get for his birthday?
I don't know, he still didn't look.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I gave an orphan an iPhone X for a reason.
It doesn’t have a home button.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.
I gave a deaf kid air pods for his birthday.
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, she's still trying to open it...
My mom got a clown for my birthday, but it ended up being my sister. 🤡
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.
