It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday", then they want to give you a spanking.
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
what did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas.
he couldn't even open it.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met, the perfect birthday gift. Chlamydia.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
What is a animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
What did the orphans friend give him for his birthday?
Lego so he can build a home.
I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.
So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual peadophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!!!!
Santa claws have a child a bike and a football the child wasn’t happy why
He had no legs
If i send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year and he was so ungrateful like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
One man was very depressed cause he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grief. Suddenly with the head rise up he sees Santa Claus walking by. - Santa? he asks. 'Why are you early, it is not even christmas?' - ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Lets worry about you instead' says Santa. What is the problem my friend?' - I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house.' Santa: I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life and i'll give it to you-' Man: My first wish is i want my house back. Santa: Done! Man: My second wish is i want 1 million amount of cash in my bank account. Santa: Done! Man: My third wish is i also want my job back! Santa: Done, but before i actually give you those wishes, I haft to hump you. Man: Okey. Lets do it. So the Santa claus takes of his pants to hump the man. After they are done humping the santa ask the man: -How old are you? Man: I am 35 years old. Santa: And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
My and my penis never truly understood the words Booby traps until we met the x wife, Gods gift of self will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank and God started laughing and I swear I herd him say Booby trap as he walked away! True story
Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?
A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.
A week before Christmas my wife left me, she said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore. On Christmas eve Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "all I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world." On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
