What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)
I’m still wearing the smile you gave me last week :)
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?
He couldn't even open it.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?
A white elephant.
What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?
Lego, so he can build a home.
I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.
So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!
Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?
He had no legs.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.
Silence...
And then at last she spoke...
"Unexpected item in the bagging area."
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
