So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.
It never gets old.
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Dark jokes are like clean water, not everyone gets it.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
Sometimes, stairs get me down.
"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Why, yes."
"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Why does 9/11 only get a day, but Pride gets an entire month?
Because pride is a bigger tragedy.
This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."
Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.
What's the best thing about an abortion joke??
No one gets offended.
I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”
That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.
Shame on you Penaldo!
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
So they can get in the cast!
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
