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What's funny about sex? I don't get it!

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

Dark jokes are like clean water, not everyone gets it.

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.

Why does 9/11 only get a day, but Pride gets an entire month?

Because pride is a bigger tragedy.

What's the best thing about an abortion joke??

No one gets offended.

Sometimes, stairs get me down.

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”