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What's the difference between apples and orphans?

An apple gets picked.

You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.

"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."

Get up, you lazybones!

Why did the man say chickens were lucky?

Because they get killed and eaten.

Why was the astronaut washing her hands?

She was getting ready to eat launch.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

What do food and dark humor have in common? Some people don’t get it.

On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?

Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.