Why was the astronaut washing her hands?
She was getting ready to eat launch.
"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
What's the difference between apples and orphans?
An apple gets picked.
You know what an emo gets for his birthday? A rope.
Get up, you lazybones!
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?
A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
What do food and dark humor have in common? Some people don’t get it.
Billy: *spits out food*
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: *looks at mom*
Mom: Shut up.
If you get it, you get it.
What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.
What's funny about sex? I don't get it!
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
