Get jokes

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.

"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."

The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers, and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?

They’re enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"