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What’s the difference between an orphan and a tomato?

The tomato gets picked.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

The apples get picked.

What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?

"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?... one gets picked.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

...their new slogan?

The Quicker Pecker Upper.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other side.

What do you get when you have 10 chicken nuggets and little Jimmy tries to take one?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead little Jimmy.

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking, JK Rowling.

Q. What do you get when you blindfold a racist?

A. A Notsee.

What does a pregnant slave and a payless sale have in common?

Buy one, get one free.

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.

What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?

They know how to get a beat down.

What do you get when you cross a bisexual male that is a catholic priest and a christian police officer that is a bisexual male and a born again homophobic heteroflexable male that is a christian nationalist who is in the closet a gay man that needs to be force out of the closet by any means necessary?

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.

1 hour before:

So let me get...

Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!

Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*