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How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope...
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.
Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"
When a midget smokes weed, does it get medium?
Why is the bible like a penis You get it forced down your throat by a priest
Dark humor jokes are like kids with cancer.
They never get old.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?
That I will never get old.
What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?
A: Where's the holy baby?
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.
What is a tuba plus tuba? -- Fourba.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.