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    • I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

    My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

    Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

    A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

    As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

    I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

    The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

    I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

    A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

    My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

    What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

    I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

    When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

    Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

    My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

    Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

    It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

    Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

    When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and left. Right.

    When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

    I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

    The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

    Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

    What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

    My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

    What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

    Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

    I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

    They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

    My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

    The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

    To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

    I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

    I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

    What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

    I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

    The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

    Car dealership

    • Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

    You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

  • 1

    • Toilet Paper

    • It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.

  • 0
    • Get memes

    Orphan

    • Guys, we need to stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents might get upset. Oh, wait... never mind.

    Wife

    • Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

  • 11

    • Furry

    • I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

    I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

    He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

    "Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

  • 1

    • Obama

    • During the election campaign of 2012, we heard about Obama, but we thought they said Osama. So I told my friend, "Grab his gun and let's have some fun." So during one of Obama's campaigns, we both shot him to death, which lasted a while.

    Then my friend said, "Let's go get piss drunk at Mavericks bar." Then on TV they talked about Obama's death, and everybody but 2 guys cheered. Then guess what, we loaded our guns and lit those 2 guys up like we did to Obama.

  • 4

    • Burrito

    • Me: I’m going to get burrito 🌯

    Friend: You can have my burrito baby.

    Gay.

    Friend: *begins to moan*

    Me: Finna hang up.

  • 0

    • Guy

    • So one time this really rich guy’s son’s birthday was coming up. So he asks his son what he wants. So the son says, "Can I have pink ping pong balls?" The father asks why, and his son stays silent.

    The dad decides to get it for him. The dad doesn’t see the son ever do anything with them. A year later the dad asked him what he wants. The son then says, "Can I have 10,000 pink ping pong balls?" The dad then responds with, "Son, why? I gave you some last year, and this whole year you did not play with them." The son, yet again, stays silent. The Dad was reluctant to do it but did it anyway.

    Now a few years later, the son is now 20, and his rich dad and him have not seen each other in a while. So the dad decides to celebrate his son's birthday. He asks his son once again what he wants, and his son says, "Can I have 10,000 pink ping pong balls?" His dad screams, "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THESE BALLS!!! I NEVER SEE YOU WITH THEM, AND YET YOU STILL WANT MORE. WHAT THE HELL!!!" The son, yet again, stays silent. The dad, though a little pissed, decides to buy as much of the pink ping pong balls that he sees and gives it to his son. The son is happy but does not do anything.

    Now after a while, the son is about 30, and he and the father are more distant than ever. The father gets a call from a hospital telling him that his son could die from a disease that only 2 people survived. So the father goes there and starts crying and grieving. Then he asks his son what he would like before he dies. The son then says, "Can you buy me all of the factories that produce pink ping pong balls?" His dad doesn’t question because he is too sad to and buys him the only factory that produces pink ping pong balls. Then the doctors put him in a wheelchair and follow the dad, and they take him to one of the pink ping pong ball factories, and the dad says, "Okay, son, I fulfilled what you wanted. But what have you done, and what do you plan to do with all of these pink ping pong balls?" The son, ignoring the question, says, "This is magnificent. My final wish is that I stay here overnight."

    So the doctors and the father decide to, and everyone goes home to sleep. The next day, everyone returned to the factory to find all the pink ping pong balls gone and the son. The father was sad but a little angry and decided to search his whole house to find pink ping pong balls but doesn’t find any, and they search the whole factory for the son and the balls. And soon they end up searching the whole earth and never found him.

    Rape

    • Rape is no laughing matter. The reason why women are not believed in rape is because of you mother fucking shitbirds with no future who will become drunkards and drug dealers who go broke and live on the street getting hit by a fucking car. Fuck all of you sadists who think this kind of shit is funny, well shut the fuck up. Go jump off a bridge or get hit by car and I hope you fucking sickos die.

    Stop rape. Stop rappe. Stop rapibg innocent children and women and men. I am done with rape. I am done with it!