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Your mum is so fat, when she was in front of my apartment, I couldn't get in.
There is this little boy, and he gets in the shower with his mom and looks up and says, "Mommy, what are those?"
She replies with, "These are my headlights."
He looks down and says, "Mommy, what's that?" She says, "That's my garage."
So he gets out of the shower and gets in with his dad and looks down and says, "What is that?" The dad says, "This is my snake."
Later that night, he wakes up in the middle of the night and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, turn off your headlights and close your garage. Daddy's snake is trying to get in!"
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower? One of them gets picked.
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.
Why did Jeffrey get blood on his shoe?
Because this teen just started her period!
Why can orphans get away with being bad at school? Because when the teacher says, "I want to have a parent/teacher conference," they just go about their day.
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."
Are you getting the funnies?
Why did the rapper get lost in the music?
Because he couldn't find the beat.
Sisters before misters.
I hope you get better.
I love you.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porkupine!
Where would Batman get his freak on at? The Batcave or the bat strip club?
If brains were taxed, Slade would get a rebate.
Katgod, can you get your girlfriend? She's messing with me, and I'm gonna hurt soon.
The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why don't chickens and sheep get along?
Because they have beef between them.
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Me: I'll have a steak.
Waitress: How would you like it?
Me: Immediately!