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There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.
The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"
The teacher said, "What about the kids?"
The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."
The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"
What is the difference between apples and orphans?
Apples actually get picked.
Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
Why are bald people very easily manipulated by a shower?
Because when they take a bath, they get brainwashed!
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress up as the altar boy.
Why did the chicken crack the safe?
To get to her nest egg.
On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.
Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples actually get picked.
Yo mama is so ugly, they tried to get her to act the part for Godzilla!
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to get to the other side and see his friend...
People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."
I know it's really, really, really, really bad.
Get a calculator.
Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.
Why’s BBC called BBC?
The dude’s shlong gets bigger every time he says n-
If you ever get cold, just go to a corner because they're usually 90 degrees.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
Please don't get mad, it's a joke.
What's the difference between a bullet and a police officer? At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired.
If you're pan, all you have to do is get a sibling and make them get your parents to the outside of the pantry, and you burst out and then say you're pansexual!