Get jokes
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."
Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."
My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.
Just told Putin to get some b*tches.
Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.
Random guy: Come on, Bin Laden, time is ticking. Get it, ticking. OK, I'll leave.
Why are cheetahs bad at running away? They always get spotted.
John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair? Cancer.
Amber Heard morning schedule:
- Wake up - Eat breakfast - Take a shit - Get out of bed - Shower
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
Tell your adopted kid you want to take them back home and tell them their original parents want them, and get them all excited, then take them to the orphanage and tell them their parents died.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples get picked.
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...
I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
How to get 60 Translink workers? Please head out of the pool because ya'll are fat. Oh wait, didn't you poop yourself? Say sorry to your underwear while pooping as a fat Canadian Translink worker, little boy.
Why was the train late?
It kept getting sidetracked.
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?
The Royal Commission.
Alternatively, Tony Abbott.
Can I get a Hoyah?