Get jokes

A mushroom walked into a pub.

He asked the bartender to give him a beer.

The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy."

The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

At least one of them gets picked.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

How do you get rid of a fat ghost? You exercise it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to get to the other side.

I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"

What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"

Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!

Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!

Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!

What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!

Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!

What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!

Dark humor jokes are like kids with cancer.

They never get old.

What did Robin say to Batman when they were getting chicken?

Hahaha, I don't know.

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

Roger.

(Roger who?)

Roger walks away, silently sobbing, having realized his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse!

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

You're so lucky bullies don't have a chance to push you around anymore?

They'll get theirs when they're in a wheelchair?

How do you get ten babies in a bucket?

With a blender.

How to make an orphan's feet bleed? Make them run in place until their parents get them.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?

A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.

You know where I get my soda? Mini-soda.

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.

Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.

Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.

Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.

Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.

Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.

Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.

Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.

I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.

Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.

Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.

Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.

Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.

Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.

Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.

Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.

Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.

Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.

I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.

Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.

Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.

Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

I got a great corona virus joke, but you wouldn’t get it.