Get jokes
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
Why was the train late?
It kept getting sidetracked.
There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"
The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
Why do disabled people always get picked on?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
I hate people who get offended here, like seriously, it's called dark humor for a reason.
If two vegetarians get into a fight, is it still called a beef?
Why don't dwarfs have cars?
Because they can't get in the door.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
Why are people born in December, January, and February easy to get along with?
They're cool and chill.
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?
A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.
Friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Other Friend: Sure.
Friend: Pussy.
Other Friend: I don't get it.
Friend: And you never will.
You: I want my mama.
Me: Soz, you can't even get one.
What do bees do when they get married?
They go on a honeymoon.
What do you call it when Panera Bread gets painted red?
Panera Red.
Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized at SeaWorld!
What do you call a disabled person who gets high?
Baked potato.