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I love your hair today.
How did you get it to come out your nose like that?
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."
The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."
How do you get "Dick" from Richard?
Ask him nicely.
My Grandma, like any other, got an APPLE IPHONE 12, but as we all know, we get dumb, and so we buy a phone. My grandma did not even know how to use it. She even said, "How do I go on Google?" I told her, "YOU CAN'T!" My grandma was, like, "Yeah right, how do I do it?"
Comment down below, does your grandma do this?
It's gonna take a step stool to get a blow job.
It's even better when they get charged by a 19 yo with a funny boom boom stick
In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.
Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.
A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
What does weed and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.
Q. What does Michael Jackson get his sex partners as a gift?
A. Crayons.
In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
'Cause they can’t get home.
Why will we never get hungry in the desert?
We have lots of sand-which's.
Jesus got rejected. A few years later he died. He came back just to lose his virginity because even Jesus is not a fucking cunt.
Get off this site and go have some sex, you fucking virgins.
Why did Sally get a black eye? Because she decided to play football.
Why do you go to the bank?
To get money.
When do you run from the bank?
When the cops come.
Rachel won the lottery twice in two years. Her friend Jim called her every day asking for tips on winning, just the same. Then one day, simply to get rid of him, Rachel said, "Watch two martial arts movies, eat three pieces of hard beef jerky, and pick a fight at a bar."
Jim replied with a shocked look, "That's what I do after Mr. Tugman shakes my hand too long."
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
What did one orphan say to the other orphan?
"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"
My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.
She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
A money manager who counts bars.