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How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
What do you get from childhood drama? A ginger with autism.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.
Can emo kids get a happy birthday?
How do you avoid getting raped? Never say no.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer. It never gets old.
Why can’t orphans get married in Alabama?
Because they don’t have a sister.
Where did the sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop.
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."
A girl kept looking through the window whilst the boys got changed!
I, as a boy, was getting annoyed, so I found an interesting magazine in the corner. So, what did I do? Reload and fire!
There is this girl at school, and she gets bullied for being in a wheelchair.
Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know how to get to home.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.