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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What STD can you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS.

What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?

cancer.

If there was a quiz on midgets, here’s the Midget quiz and the questions that would be on it:

1. When midgets get high on any drug, do they get high or medium?

2. Do midgets come out the closet or the cabinet?

3. Are Midgets related to Snow White’s 7 Dwarfs?

4. Is a midget just a human without the mushroom in Mario?

5. Was this funny?

Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.

Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.

Why didn't Michael Jackson get away with messaging with kids? Because they were all juveniles.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.

Explain Bear is always there for you.

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?

Teacher: No, of course not.

Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?

Why did Miss Stephen get divorced? She didn't float, too.

Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

Girls: Boys are like games, they're meant to get played.

Boys: Girls are like stones, the flat ones get skipped.

Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.

A bully says, "I get 10x more girls than you" to a gay kid.

Then the gay kid says, "10 X 0 is still 0."