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What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather?

A brrrrrrrr-d!

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all.

A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"

What did Sally get for Easter?..

Nail polish.

School is a lot like boot camp. The only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

My name is Dan, I wear white Vans, I have a gun, get in the van!

How do you get a million fans?

Just run through Africa with a bottle of water.

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

Q: Why did Sally get beat up?

A: She couldn’t fight back.

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!

Why did the koala climb the tree?

To get to the other branch. :)

He made it, don't worry!

So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

A good bath is like a dead lover.

You can enjoy them, that is until they get too cold.

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.

What starts with "s" and ends with "erm"? SuperM.

This means both "matrix" and "master" so take out the "u" and then you just get "master". When you think of sperm, you think of porn. If you're a master at something, you're also a star at it. So you get porn star.