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What's the difference between apples and orphans?
Apples get picked.
Imagine you are getting eaten by an alligator. What do you do?
Stop imagining!
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple gets picked.
What is the difference between a flower and an orphan?
A flower gets picked.
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
How do you get the depressed kid out of the tree? You cut the rope.
Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side!
What’s the difference between a barcode and Rachel Sutherland’s wrist?
Nothing, they both get scanned for a fresh new pack of razor blades.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?
Time to get in trouble!
Wood-fired pizza.
How would pizza get a job now?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get in the van, or I'll kill you.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?