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A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"

He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"

Dead baby jokes never get old...

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.

The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.

So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."

What do you get when you cross a cold wind with a feather?

A brrrrrrrr-d!

Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.

Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!

If you see a woman get raped, just walk away. Don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all.

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"

How do you get a million fans?

Just run through Africa with a bottle of water.

My name is Dan, I wear white Vans, I have a gun, get in the van!

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

Q: Why did Sally get beat up?

A: She couldn’t fight back.

School is a lot like boot camp. The only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

What did Sally get for Easter?..

Nail polish.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?

Ereptile Dysfunction!