Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
What do you call black people in pool?
Coco Pops.
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.
So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are so high!
What do you call a sociopath who damages a box of Wheaties? A cereal criminal!
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
I heard the man who invented Autocorrect died; may he rest in peace.
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
Y'all wanna hear a joke? My life.
When you see a deer, what do you say?
"Oh deer!"
You people are sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these are funny. Sick sick sick!!!!!!!
Are you guys alright?
If you answered yes then you are wrong. You are all LEFT. Kill me, hmph.
(This joke was taken from that none funny b*tch on Britain's Got Talent)
I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!
Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Chuck Norris and Superman had a bet. The loser had to wear their underwear on their pants.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?
He had no body to go with.
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
