Friends jokes
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.
Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.
People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.
She can't see the obvious.
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?
Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.
My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!
Why does the large dildo not have any friends?
He's a pain in the ass.
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.
He said he couldn't complain.
A kid went and got a haircut. The day after, he went to school, and a friend says, "I like your cut." He replies, "Which one?"
Why do asscheeks make great friends?
They always stick together!
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
Me and 1/2 of my friends.
Best friend *holds a sign up that says "what gender are you?"*
Me: Uh, male?..
Best friend *then unfolds paper so it reads "what gender are you attracted to?"*
Me: You silly goose.
*Silence for like three seconds*
Me: Still male though-
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
Slapped cheese on my white friend, told him I like cheese on my crackers.
Today I asked my best friend what their favorite joke was. They started waving their hands around, and I thought it was a sign to go, thinking I had offended them or something. Turns out they were mute...
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"
Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."
Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."