Friends jokes
My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?
Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."
They will likely reply: "What's updog?"
To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"
My friend was in a wheelchair, so I rolled him in fire. Now I call him Hot Wheels.
Me: What did the twin say to the other twin?
Friend: I don't know.
Me: I'll fall with you.
Roses are red and violets are blue, my best friend is Sue, and she's blue, too.
(meaning sad)
Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.
Are your forehead and hairline old friends because they go way back?
What is the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?
A ginger with friends.
One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.
They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
Friend: Name one gay person off the top of your head.
Me: Me.
My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.
What do your teacher and your friend have in common?
They will both die eventually.
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
My dumb ass thinking I made a friend, oh ya, I forgot, literally nobody likes me!
Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?
Because he’s a hoot.
One day, there are friends having fun.
Hours later, one of the friends, Alice, wanted to leave and said, "Cya guys, I'm just gonna hang in the tree and have some fresh air."
And they all agree.
Hours go by, and the group of friends are ready to go home, but then they see a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.
Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.
Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."
Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"
Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."
My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."