Friends Jokes

Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?

Because Sally wrote the invitations!

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

I got kicked outta the poker game.

They said I was a little cheetah.

When you ask your friend if he thinks lunch is good, but he says that he doesn't taste anything.

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

I told my friend to fly a plane,

But he threw a ramp off a roof.

My friend looks like a homeless, thanks for the jokes.

If Carlos and Jose took a brownie from me and I had 10 to start, what do I have?

Answer: A math problem.

My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

Why did Oliver have no friends?

His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.

Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:

"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."

MISSING MISSING!!! 😢😢

NAME: PRUNO PENANDES 👍🤝

MISSING: 27/6/21 VS BELGIUM 🤔🤔

LAST SEEN: DIVING AT OLD TRAFFORD, CRYING TO REFEREES🤬😿

POSSIBLE LOCATIONS: PENALTY SPOT🥅

"GIVE ME PENALTY”🤬🤬

"I ONLY STATPAD AGAINST FARMERS MY FRIEND"😁😁

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.