Friends jokes

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

I was pretty tight friends with my butt plug. But then we had a falling-out.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.

Why can't fat kids play poker?

They eat all the chips.

Yo mama so dumb, when I told her my friend was mute she said, “Can't you unmute her?”

I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

I tried a lemonade from my friend. It tasted fantatastic!

My friend: “Vaporeon is my favorite Pokémon.”

Me: “Hey, did you kno-“

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

Why did the disabled kid keep getting bullied?

He couldn’t stand up for himself.

Once there was a boat. Its friends said,

"It's time to come back." And the boat said,

"No way. I don't give into pier pressure."

I have a trans friend.

He is in a polyamorous relationship and would be straight if they had a dick.

A friend texts to another:

"Hey." They reply, "What's up?"

The first friend then replies with a simple answer, "The sky!" But the other friend intervenes and says, "No, it's the ceiling!"

To then the first friend finishes the greeting with, "Unless you're homeless or six feet under."

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.