Friends jokes

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Why did Oliver have no friends?

His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.

My friend: You're ugly.

The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.

Why is jelly laughing a lot?

Because his friend goes nuts!

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

Why can't orphans have friends?

They will stay together.

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

Friend: “What's that on your arm?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”

How did number 1 kindly make number 2?

I got my ass kicked, let's be friends?

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

People's music when friends are around: *rock*

When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.