Friends jokes

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.

A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

Denki: Hey Mineta, I have a joke.

Mineta: ...go on...

Denki: Ochako's booty.

Mineta: I don't get it?

Denki: Exactly.

Mineta: *cries T_T*

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

Hi 👋

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

Why is jelly laughing a lot?

Because his friend goes nuts!

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him.

The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”

How did number 1 kindly make number 2?

I got my ass kicked, let's be friends?