Friends jokes

What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.

The time I saw you and you asked me to be your friend.

Me: "Yeah... no. You're too ugly. Even your parents never loved you."

Kid: 😭

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."

I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning. A depressing but satisfying victory.

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.

What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

What's the one upside to being an orphan?

You never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?

B minor.

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.