Food jokes
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
What passengers were happy that the Titanic sank?
The lobsters in the kitchen.
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes... rice-less!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
ill suck on that big toe for 5 bucks in the back of an alley way to be honest
How many beans are there in Irish chili?
Answer: 239
Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine?
Answer: (spoken in Irish Brogues) Because if you add one more, it'd be "two farty."
Stephen Hawking is intelligent.
He is not as green as he is cabbage.
Why did the cow wiggle?
To make milkshake! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Eggs are so egg-cellent that they are sunny-side up.
A boy asks a zookeeper, "Why is there a baguette in a cage?"
The zookeeper says, "It's bread in captivity!"
What do you call a cow that skydives without a parachute?
Ground beef.
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frog's finger.
What is a gay person's favorite fast food place?
Jack(off) in the Box.
Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.
So, I walked up to my grandma and I said, "What color would you be on a rainbow cupcake?" She just turned 61, ok, ok. So I'm like, "I got it, I got it, ok, ok." She's like: "Ok, what color?" I say: "Grey."
Why are hindustan bhai so good at Python?
When they are hungry, they use Python and take credit card information ;). You know what they say, you give a man a curry and he eats for a day, you give a man a language and he eats for a lifetime.
A black n***a crashes a neighborhood barbecue, bragging about his 'hood credentials' while hogging all the ribs and collard greens. The host calls him out, 'Yo, pay up or get out. Ain't no freebies here.' He laughs it off, 'Man, I run this block!' But the host's burly brother, who's been grilling the whole time, snarls, 'Wrong, fool. Time to settle the score.' He pins him against the picnic table, wraps a chain leash around his neck from the dog run, edges him with a vibrating basting brush slathered in hot sauce, and then plows his ass deep and hard, grunting, 'Now you're the main course, spicier than the jerk chicken!'
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because on his side, there was a KFC shop.