I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.
A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games,” says the mom.
“Your right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom,” Says the son.
“The lie is the second on,” says the dad.
Once, there were two cupcakes in the furnace. One cupcake said, "It's kinda hot in here." The other one said, "Hah, a talking cupcake!"
What do you call diarrhea from a hot woman? Chocolate milk.
What do you call diarrhea from a fat woman? Arsenic.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of salad?
A chicken sees a salad (chicken Caesar salad).
In heaven, the Englishman is responsible for jokes, the Italian man for food, and the German man for law and order. In hell, the Englishman is responsible for food, the Italian man for law and order, and the German man for jokes.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumeference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why are the twin towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
Why did the plum put sugar under its pillow?
So it could have sweet dreams.
What fruit always feels depressed?
A blueberry.
What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.
Why doesn't bread like warm weather?
It gets toasty!
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Mary had a little lamb.
Key word is had, her dad's favorite meat is a human!
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
What is the opposite of salt water?
Pepper water.
What did the grape say to the banana? "Stop graping me!"
